Saturday, April 4, 2015

E is for The World's Worst-dressed Race

So, no one likes elves right? But why? What is it about elves that makes every other sentient race in the world want to gouge out their eyes when an elf comes around? Is it their insufferable holier-than-thou attitudes? Is it their immortality and the knowledge that the 20-something-looking elf who is looking down is nose at you is probably 700 years old? Their gender ambiguity?

I think the real answer is their sense of fashion...take these for example:

Standard issue elven chainmail. . .
 Medechai's Shirt
This form-fitting emerald green chain shirt is made in the typical elven design, with a low neckline and the back almost completely exposed. The fact that it manages to provide any protection at all is a testament to the wonders of elven magic. It was taken from the body of the vampiric medusa Medechai in the Maalthiir’s ethereal treasure trove beneath Hillsfar.
This suit of “armor” functions in all ways as a Chain Shirt, save that it can be worn even by characters not proficient in medium armor. In addition, the shirt grants the wearer advantage on all Constitution saving throws. The wearer does not, however, gain the armor’s AC bonus on attacks made from behind.

Keep in mind that ALL elven chainmail looks like this...and, as usual, even with all that skin showing there is no way to determine the wearer's sex. Bloody elves.

Boots of Elvenkind
Standard issue elven boots . . .
These boots are fairly typical examples of those commonly made by the elves. They are soft, green leather with a high, pointed heel, curled toes, and a rolled top, with small silver bells on the toes and top. Like all elven shoes, the bells on these boots only ring when the wearer desires them to. In fact, the boots make no sound at all, regardless of the surface the wearer is moving across. 
Boots of Elvenkind grant the wearer advantage on all Dexterity (Stealth) checks related to moving silently. Now if only the boots could keep them from talking...
Seriously, they ALL look like this. 

And GOD the cloaks!
Cloak of Elvenkind
The infamous Elven Cloaks just amplify the elf's ambiguous, simpering appearance. A typical elven "cloak" is more like a shawl with an attached hood, only covering the wearer to the mid-riff (to help keep off the chill from wearing elven armor). The hem of the cloak bears a broad, scalloped design, and the hood extends into a long liripipe, often up to four feet in length and tapering to a fine point.
Luckily for viewers, the Cloak of Elvenkind is enchanted to make the wearer harder to see. All Wisdom (Perception) checks made to see the wearer have disadvantage, and the wearer gains advantage on all Dexterity (Stealth) checks made to hide, as non-elven viewers intentionally avert their gaze from the ghastly sartorial faux-pas that is the Elven Cloak.

So, be warned the next time you want your character to be dressed like an elf, or you might end up being as confused as this chick...
Seriously, this gal makes Vaarsuvius look well adjusted.

And now back to our regularly scheduled seriousness...