First, An Admission:
If one were to spy on me when alone, 90% of the time one would fine me listening to Pearl Jam at extreme volumes, singing along, and weeping...
Second, An Anecdote:
While hanging out with some friends on Sunday, we got into a discussion about the "Marie Kondo Method" vs. so-called "Swedish Death Cleaning" (with the obvious insight that the latter should always be accompanied by Swedish Death Metal playing in the background).
Friend 1 (explaining Marie Kondo): "So, really, you should only keep those things that spark joy..."
Me: "I also make a point of keeping those things that spark rage..."
Friend 2 (ever the insightful one): "Our resident benevolent sociopath. You'd keep anything that makes you feel anything..."
Third, An Insight:
"Friend 2's" last statement has been rolling around in my head for days, then I had some alone time with Pearl Jam and realized that that is exactly why I love that band so much. Eddie Vedder's lyrics, and voice, and performance style are all about raw emotion...outpourings of anger and trauma (real or purely narrative does not matter) which I can (even if only briefly) fall into and half-way experience... Perhaps not a substitute for real emotions, or real empathy, but one which I have returned to with the regularity of an addict for what is now more than 20 years since my first complete breakdown. Hat tip to Eddie Vedder for giving me my fix, and hat tip to friends for helping me realize that.
For those of you who mostly follow my gaming-related rants, I am working on a thing. It is tangentially related to all of the above...exploring my own psychoses in game-form in a much more deliberate / intentional / naval-gazing sort of way than previously. Some or All or None of it may be shared here in the future.
Now to see if I can sleep despite "Why Go" running through my head on a non-stop loop...
What you taught me, Put me here, Don't come visit